Been There, Done That...So, Why Do I Keep Doing It?

You date someone who cheats, It ends badly, you move on, and a few years later you’re with a completely different person dealing with cheating again. Or you become friends with someone who eventually reveals herself to be more frenemy than friend. You walk away, meet someone new, and six months later you’re wondering, How did I end up here again?

It happens in smaller ways too. You hit snooze five times even though you know you’ll be late. You keep using a study habit that doesn’t work. You eat the food that makes you feel terrible and then wonder why you ate it. We can know exactly where something leads and still find ourselves doing it again.

At some point, you have to ask yourself:

Why do I keep doing this when I already know where it leads?

We Go With What We Know

We go with what we know.

I’ve spent a lot of time watching human behavior, including my own, and one thing I’ve learned is that we tend to repeat what we know. The familiar response requires very little thought because we’ve done it before and our brain already knows the route. Recognizing the pattern while we’re inside it requires awareness, and choosing another response requires intention.

Sometimes we don’t even know there is a pattern. We think we met another terrible partner, another friendship went sideways, another morning got away from us, or another promise we made to ourselves disappeared by Tuesday. We see each experience as its own event until someone points something out.

“You know you’ve done this before, right?”

And there it is. Different person, different circumstances, same damn pattern.

That can be a hard thing to see because the details change enough to convince us that this time has nothing to do with the last time. Eventually, you start recognizing what keeps showing up, and you have to look at the one thing that has been present every single time: YOU.

Awareness Is Where the Pattern Starts to Change

This comes up often in the work we do at West Door Yoga + Wellness. Have you ever noticed that an outsider can recognize the pattern before you do?

The pattern is easier to see from the outside.

The first time you may recognize it after everything has already happened. The next time you catch yourself while you’re in it. Eventually, you may see it coming before you get involved at all.

That relationship feels familiar. That new friendship has a dynamic you recognize. Your hand reaches for the snooze button and you already know exactly how the next 45 minutes will go.

That moment of recognition gives you the opportunity to respond differently.

The Pattern Usually Has Something to Teach You

I believe patterns repeat until we learn the lesson they bring with them. That lesson may be about boundaries, what you tolerate, what you ignore, or what you continue doing because it’s what you’ve always done.

Maybe the lesson is learning to leave earlier. Maybe you need to stop explaining away behavior that makes you uncomfortable, or admit that the thing you keep doing simply isn’t working for you, even though it’s familiar and easy.

The lesson becomes clearer when you’re willing to look at the pattern without beating yourself up for having it. I touched on another side of this in Why Do I Care What They Think?, because approval, habit and the stories we’ve carried for years can influence choices even before we realize they’re doing it.

You Don’t Have to Catch It Perfectly

You may realize six months into the relationship that you recognize the dynamic. Maybe the next time you recognize it six weeks in. Eventually, you can see the signs before you get into the relationship at all. You’ve learned enough from the pattern to know what you’re looking at when it comes around again.

This is one of the reasons I believe so strongly in creating time to actually pay attention to yourself. Yoga has given me that space for years, and it’s part of what we bring into the room. Hypnosis, Reiki, meditation, journaling and honest conversations can create that space too.

When you start paying attention to your own patterns, you give yourself a chance to recognize them before you make the same choice again.

The next time you hear yourself saying, “Here we go again,” stay with that thought for a minute. You recognized the pattern, and that gives you the opportunity to ask:

What is this pattern here to teach me, and what am I going to do with the lesson this time? Maybe the simplest answer is “RUN.”

Dee Morrow is the co-owner of West Door Yoga + Wellness in Bay Shore, NY. With a background in nursing and years of experience in yoga, hypnosis and Reiki, she brings a practical, down-to-earth approach to wellness and the way we move through life. Explore classes and wellness offerings at West Door Yoga + Wellness.